She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
