I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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