I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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