She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
