I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
