turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
