Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
