wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
