Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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