Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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