from now on my penis is your penis
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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