At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why didn't you poke me back
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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