I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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