yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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