I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
