my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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