just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
