if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
