____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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