Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
