i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
