I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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