Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
