We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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