He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
