i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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