good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
