I accidentally burped into my bong.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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