In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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