hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
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