ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
