I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
