I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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