He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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