yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He kissed a someone with a penis
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize