Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
