I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
