it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
