Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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