Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
