I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
