Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You made out with two different species that night
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
