I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I want to be your penis for a week.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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