mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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