ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
