he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize