so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
