Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
high people should be assigned attendants
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
