You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
