I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
