Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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