My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
