i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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