So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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