just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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