Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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