just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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