omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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