if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
